i got nothin'

At least not anything major that is.    I had an interview this week with a very well known adoption agency to join an adoptive parents support group.  The group is currently full, only 11 members at a time, so I am wait-listed.  In the course of the conversation with the nice lady she asked what it was I particularly wanted to get out of being part of an adoptive parents support group.  My response was something to the effect, "i want to meet other families similar to ours and hear how they have processed or are processing being a family.  Specifically around talking to your child about adoption, what does the birthmom relationship resemble in their family after the finalization and as time goes on and so on and so on.   The nice lady suggested I/my husband and I perhaps have a few private sessions with one of the counselors on staff as a way of heping us decide what are the right answers for us as a family.  

I, always one to seek advice and then decide what is best for me, thought this was a grand idea, but said right then and there to the nice lady, I don't know that my husband will go right away if at all.   Well, my guy, always reticent, to put it mildly, to seek advice, said, "great idea I will definitely go."   

Go figure.

my abandonment issues

 A few weeks ago I was at my mother's house and she  heard me saying  to Baby AM that she had beautiful hands like her birthmother.  I guess this particular incident was  one of several times she had heard me mention my daughters birthmom to AM during the course of daily chatter.  Now for the record my mom is 68 years old and obviously from a generation where  discussion of children being adopted and their first parents was more or less taboo.  At least that has been my experience in our family; I have two second cousins, both of whom are adopted and as grown men never knew they were adopted.  The surviving brother is now at least 5o years old.   Funny, I can remember my cousins talking about these boys adoptions as teenagers.

SO, back to this day.  After a few minutes, I can't remember whether the baby had fallen asleep or not yet, but my Mom asked, "Is it appropriate to mention T to Baby A so often?"   Now my  Mom has been intimately involved in every step of our adoption and I can not count the number of times I have said that my desire is for my daughter to be raised in a home and family where her birthmom is spoken of with love and respect.  I have also said a gazillion times we will always use language that is positive around how we came to be her family and there will not be secrets.  We have also discussed how I was practicing for the day my sweetie does understand what her momma is saying so that it will always be a natural part of our conversations.  Needless to say I was surprised at her question.

I waited a second and thought really carefully about how I wanted to answer.  For the record I was not the least bit upset by her question.  I started by reminding my Mom how it was important for Baby A to be raised in a home where.....see above.  I also said, "I want her to know she was not 'given up' for adoption.  I don't want her to ever feel abandoned or alone." I continued by reminding my Mom that, "I know what it is like to have a parent abandon his family, even when he was physically in the home, and I know that as a teenager, a young woman and even somedays now all I want is to know that I was important to Daddy and that he loved us all those times he wasn't there."  Needless to say I was becoming pretty emotional, and I see now that I was imagining in the future my daughters pain to be like mine and I wanted to try and  save her any pain or feelings of being left or abandoned.   Clearly, I can not save my girl any of these feelings or thoughts, so really all my practicing may not yield what I wish for her anyway.  

Now that it is a few weeks later and "the man" (our family counselor) has pointed out to me that perhaps I was really talking about myself.  I now realize that clearly I can not save my girl any of those thoughts or feelings.  However, I doubt I will stop  trying.   Another fun byproduct of our discussion is it has made me think about my Dad, his life, our lives and his death all over again.  He died last May, but I have been so busy in my joy I don't think I am done grieving all  that he really was and all that was not over the years.