you never think it is going to be you

I remember the first IVF cycle. I was so sure it would be my one and only; because, well of course I would get pregnant straight away... it was always that way for me. Not "always that for me" as in things came easily, not at all, but rather "always that way for me" as in always some work and then I was successful. Success may not look like what I thought it would at the onset, but it was success and I was always happy. I was always a late bloomer why would this be any different. I didn't really choose a career until I was almost 28 years old, prior to that I graduated college worked in a gym and was a bartender, but when I did finally get a career it was a good one; it has been my career for 17 years now, and it has been rewarding. I didn't meet my husband until I was 38 years old, married at 41. So of course I thought "late bloomer". I am not going to get pregnant on my own but will have to do this thing (IVF) and I will reap my just reward of pregnancy and family.. Right?? By the way, the fact that I was 41 years old and trying to get pregnant didn't really scare me all that much until my doctor kept telling me it was my age that was the only problem.

After the first cycle failed, I was pretty sure I needed to meditate more (TM), yeah, that had to be part of the answer. I had to make sure I was visualizing enough. Most importantly, I needed to get up, dust myself off, go for a run and get right back on that horse. Perseverance has always worked for me, so I just needed to make sure I didn't cry "uncle". Well, 4 stimulations, 4 retrieivals, 4 transfers, 4 not pregnant phone calls, 1 donor, 2 donor transfers, two more not pregnant phone calls, two of the top ten IVF centers in the US and oh yes one pregnancy all by myself, while training for a half marathon, later I wasn't crying uncle, but I was willing to walk away and pursue my goal of being a mom and not just being pregnant.

There were so many points along the way where I could not believe that this was happening to me. I was unable to imagine what part of the formula, surely there had to be one, that I didn't have right. Was I not sitting on the couch enough? Should I stop sitting and just lie down for two days instead? I was dumbfounded this was going to be the only thing where success in some way shape or form did not arrive. And now being 44 soon to be 45 bothered me.