she is almost here

Although when we moved to our new home, we painted a bedroom an appropriately neutral baby color...kind of the old "if you build it they will come" idea, I never could bring myself to set it up fully as a nursery.   The last two weeks though we have amassed quite a collection of infant/baby paraphernalia, we have packed a hit the road in a hurry kit and tomorrow I will pack a suitcase for husband and I to spend some time out of state.  The good news is we will be going to a different climate so the clothes I will pack are not the ones we need to wear here.    

The hard part is trying to not get excited, hence not setting up the nursery, although that could also be denial that life is about to change dramatically.   

There are some very hard parts of this, especially around a couple of the Mom's that were not right for us not us for them very likely.     Tomorrow I will have to find a way to tell one seemingly lovely  women that we are not the right parents for her child.  I suspect there are a lot of drugs and high risk behavior involved.    

what i can say

I don't want to say much, but I can say the process of running an ad and speaking to about 14 or so women about their pregnancies and lives as well as creating our family with their help has been nothing that I thought it would be.   The woman I had worked with to "train" me on how to answer the phones and have the conversations for the most part was dead on.   Despite being forewarned about the content of these conversations the actual experience was...well I don't know that I can find the words.  The emotions were overwhelming and some of the stories were so sad....I know we all know there are many people in need  in this country; in need of money, love and women in need of self esteem, but to speak to some of them and build relationships and connections has been my honor and my heartbreak.    I don't think it is right to go into details of any of their lives or tell specific stories, but I will say that I am glad we chose to create our family in this process. None of it was scrubbed or screened by an agency, although it is all legal, I or my husband were the first person these women got to speak to and we each, on both sides of the phone,  were able to decide whether or not we wanted to proceed with this person.  

I will end by saying....wearethisclose with someone. She is a lovely, sweet, intelligent woman who given the right opportunities and support would have a different life.  She will always be spoken of with respect in our home. We are committed to open adoption and we will hold up our end of the bargain as long as it is safe for child.  

One of the things I have wondered is why there are no "chronicles" of this sort anywhere.  I know that I was looking for "what to expect" in the process of open adoption using an attorney rather than an agency. I have seen other couples and single parents ads when I have looked for ours.  Why didn't I find a "how to" for this process.  Maybe I didn't look hard enough or perhaps I was the only person looking for some guidance.

She is right around the corner...

you don't decide...

Last time I posted I was trying to decide how we would "decide" on which mom was the right mother for us.  Well here we are and it is decided.  We met our birthmother this weekend and I couldn't have asked for a better woman to create our family with.

when do you get excited and how to decide

Assuming that we have a decision to make in this process  goes a bit  against the grain of the belief we have tried to maintain all along that the little soul that is supposed to incarnate into our lives will do so when and how he or she is good and ready.   Tell that to the part of our brains that thinks we actually have control or a say in this process.   I guess that is the same part of me that thought fertility treatments were a bit of a personal competition, where I would endure and ultimately prevail.  My  motto of "never let'em see you sweat" made sure that after each failed cycle,  I got up, dusted myself and went  straight into the next one, chin up, smile on my face and lips at the ready to say "it is not the worst thing that could happen to a woman".  I said that for every IVF cycle and the 2 donors.   Turning our hearts towards another way of creating our family wasn't easy when you operate from the belief that you can will something to happen by sheer perserverance. It was how I was raised.  I didn't want and some days still don't want to have gone quietly into that good night.  

Back to today, our ads have stopped running and some calls our still coming in.   We have sent our profile to 9 young women; I have had follow up conversations with 7 of them and I have imagined each of  these seemingly lovely women with a sad story  as the woman who would be on the other side of my becoming a momma.  I have promised each of them, their children would be raised in a home where they (their first moms) would always be talked of with respect and affection.  After every phone call no matter what they confess or tell me, I have nothing but compassion for them and excitement that they called us.  The reality of fate is anyone of us could be in her shoes.    Their pregnancies are anywhere between 8 weeks and 8 months pregnant.    Which leads me to how do you decide, do you just take the first one that comes along?  My brain says "yes" immediately,  But then my conscious, rational, problem solving mind thinks: what about K?  She seems so sweet and nice on the phone, I really like her and she's only 20, but she isn't due until next year....anything could happen between now and then....How do we know which one is carrying our child, the life for which we will ultimately take responsibility.

Today we told our attorney to put a lovely young woman who called in touch with another family.   She called here, she liked our ad, she called me this morning when she was having contractions, she had this number programmed into her phone and now I will not speak to her again.    I am sad about that.   

I guess that right there is the answer to when do you get excited?  I am excited now but trying hard not to get attached.   

   

the best laid plans

What is that saying about the best laid plans going awry...I always think it is "the best laid plans of mice and men..."  nice way to mix-up literary references.   Well whatever it is, the plans have foundered, throwing in a boating reference while I am at it.    Phase I of my plan included my elective surgery overlapping with our ads running, cast off after one week, able to return to my   almost normal self, with small handicap while wound continued to heal over ensuing weeks. Phase II:  Baby Mama  paperwork into atty, arrangements set (even if someone was 8 mos or so), since most likely no one will deliver before Sept 19 or so.   I didn't plan for a born baby or an imminent delivery, it wasn't in my vision.  In retrospect not the most well thought out of plans.

Plan is being re-written as we speak and needless to say, not by us.

it's happening...

It is going on Day 11 of our ads running and the phone has been ringing...so I guess this really does work.  We have sent our profile to a several folks with only a little follow up.   I don't want to say more for fear of jinxing it but it could happen anywhere between the end of this month and January.  I think we have enough Mom's that if someone falls out, we will still be parents.

I will say there have been some very disturbing and sad phone calls.   There have a been a couple of women who were completely apathetic, and one woman who has a 3yr old and a 6mos old and she wanted to place them both, because she just "couldn't do it anymore".  That call haunted me all day.  Another call came from a hospital in SC where my fear was that it was a born baby and a mom with few options.   That call haunted me for a couple of days.  I looked up the hospital on the internet to try and see if it looked nice and if hopefully they had some social services that could help that woman who hung up on me pretty quickly. 

I am keeping separate notes on the day to day and the emotions of this process for later posting.  I just don't want all of this on the internet  while it is happening.  It doesn't seem fair or honest to the people who are placing their trust in us to care for and love their child.  I am so excited.  After 3 1/2 year of fertility, two donors and a couple of miscarriages I am ready to be a Momma. 

edited to add: Shimmer is the pattern I am working on and my brain is so fried it won't let me get past joining the sleeves to the body of the shrug.  I just need to get into the swing of it.